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How To Procrastinate: Social Media Edition

A guide to procrastinating and regretting it later.

Corianna Jackson, Staff Writer

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Are you tired of being the hardworking, responsible, deadline-meeting student? Do you have chores, homework, or studying that just need shirking? Your problems could be solved with one simple remedy: procrastination. *Unless you have a monumental essay that due for your English class tomorrow, feel free to read on.*

Materials

  • An electronic device
  • Responsibilities you don’t want to do
  • Internet Access
  • A Masochistic delight in experiencing self-induced stress

Step One: Make or update several social media accounts

This the key. Sign up for Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat, and make multiple Instagram accounts. It’s important to have as many accounts as possible, because they’re all used for different purposes. For example, SnapChat and Instagram can be used for more personal reasons. You can follow your friends, family, classmates, and co-workers to see what’s going on with their lives and update them on your own. You can use Twitter predominantly for news. You can check to see when that favorite singer of yours is going to release a new album, when that show you heard someone discuss in class is going to premiere, or even what President Trump is ranting about now! Tumblr is mostly geared towards pop culture and people who are in “fandoms.” Fandoms are little cliques of people who like the same interests. For example, there is a Harry Potter fandom, a Riverdale Fandom, and a Twenty One Pilots Fandom. Choosing the right username is essential. You have to pick a username that describes you, or what your page is about. If you were to create a blog or account dedicated to a certain TV show, you could incorporate one of the character’s names in it. Post something on each account. Make sure to like the posts on your timeline/feed and don’t forget to check out the Explore page as well.

Step two: Catch up on meme humor/ internet slang

After you have made your accounts, you need to catch up on internet humor and slang. Start off with memes. Referencing memes gives you points on the internet. Throw in some key phrases like “you know I had to do it,” to your blog or account and you’ll be set. Know the difference between rare Pepe and common Pepe, and most importantly, stay up-to-date with memes before you’re behind the joke. Next, you’ll need to know the lingo. For example, when someone says “my wig,” it’s usually a compliment. It means that whatever you posted was so good that they lost their wig, and are no longer composed. If someone types a phrase ending with, “!!!!111!1!1!,” this is not a typo. It’s way to be sarcastic on the internet so everyone knows that you’re not serious. When someone says “my lane,” it means that whatever was posted is their preference. OTP means “one true pairing,” not “on the phone,” and spelling facts with two “z’s”  is cool. Assert your knowledge of internet slang onto the world.

Step Three: Switch between accounts simultaneously

The most important step of all is to keep moving between all of your accounts. You can easily spend hours going back and forth between them, following popular accounts that lead to amazing posts which lead to even more accounts you’ll end up stalking and following. Soon, switching in between several apps on your device in the span of two minutes will become second nature to you. You won’t even realize you’re doing it, because you are now a social media zombie.

Step Four: Avoid school work and other responsibilities

You’re going to have responsibilities, and no matter how much you’re going to want to complete them, you won’t be able to. There’s always going to be a new meme to laugh at, new internet friends to respond to, and lots of homework and chores to avoid. You’re going to say you’ll do it later, but then later becomes midnight and midnight becomes never.

Step Five: Realize you’ve made a terrible mistake and try to take care of your responsibilities.

When morning comes, there will be serious regrets. You might find yourself waking up in a cold sweat due to that test you forgot to study for or that five page paper you completely disregarded. You’ll probably be late to school, and even when you get there you’ll be so focused on doing work for other classes in class that’ll you’ll miss an entire day of learning. Promise yourself you’ll never procrastinate again, then repeat step one.

For especially detrimental results, try these steps on the last day of a week-long break from school. After completing this how-to article, it might be best to do some damage control. See “How To Get Your Life Together” by Noor Fatima to get yourself back on track!

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