This satirical letter was written in response to a blog post entitled “An Open Letter to My Teen Daughter Who is in the Next Room” by Margarita Gokun Silver. The references to this post are published with the author’s permission.

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My dear mother,

I loved when you told the world I left the lights on in the bathroom. I loved when you added that I left my candy wrappers on the couch in the living room. I’m sure that everyone got the point that even Cinderella couldn’t clean up my messes. 

Your virtual lecture taught me a thing or two about myself. Although your very open letter wasn’t on snapchat, WhatsApp or Instagram, I’m sure when my friends find it it’ll soon be up there for my school to read about and research my best qualities. I hope they love the part where you describe how I hit notes even Adele can’t reach while I’m yelling at you and dad. 

My snapchat does enjoy our family vacations to Prague and Vienna more than me. I see your point when you say they’re experiencing more than I am even though I’m actually there. My constant snaps bragging about the beautiful view shows how much I truly hate the scenery.  

My active Instagram posts about how much I appreciate being away from home certainly do show how much I despise you both for taking me on such a wonderful trip and expose my thoughts about how much you both ruin vacation. 

I may be able to “conceal a bazooka, a taxidermied bear, and a full set of Encyclopedia Britannica” in my closet but I certainly can’t hide your shirts in there since you always seem to find them. I guess the excuse “I have nothing to wear” just won’t suffice when it comes to borrowing your clothes although all of mine are in the laundry bin.  

I’m sure it drives my father crazy when I use his charger. He certainly does need the extra 1 percent of battery when his phone is at 99. I mean, we wouldn’t want his phone to die…wherever it may be, since he barely uses it. 

I never knew people actually went outside on the weekends so thanks for telling me. It seemed to me that all my friends just lived in my phone on Saturdays and Sundays. I’ll continue to reserve the weekends for “maintaining a focused gaze on my electronic devices” but thanks to this new information you have given me, I will now do it from outside! 

At the end of your letter, I saw that you put in an application to be my friend. After a quick review, I’ve decided that you just don’t meet the requirements.  

You don’t leave your shoes in the middle of the hallway so your parents can trip over them like me and my friends do. And you always turn the lights off in the den after leaving it. You’re just too responsible for us to really “click.”  

Sincerely,

Your disappointing daughter 

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The original blog post by Margarita Gokun Silver can be found here: https://www.brainchildmag.com/2015/07/an-open-letter-to-my-teen-daughter-who-is-in-the-next-room/