Cafeteria food has been both a blessing and a curse for high school students. For some, it’s the only source of food during the day. For others, school lunch has been a disappointment. Due to recent protests and menu complaints, the suffering of the opposed students has come to an end.

According to administration, cafeteria food will be permanently removed from Brentwood High School due to COVID-19. The collective decision was made when they realized the dangers that might come with handing out food to teenagers. In doing so, they hope to prevent the spread of Coronavirus as well as more trendy illnesses, like Salmonella.

This decision is a shock for students who regularly eat the cafeteria food, especially the ones who love pizza crunchers and French toast sticks. But there’s no need to fear: students affected by the change will be a offered a variety of options including $5 gift cards redeemable at food establishments like McDonald’s that they cannot travel to during the school day.

Employees previously working in the cafeteria will now be used as additional security guards, responsible for writing up students who are discovered to be illicitly snacking in the hallways.

We will remember the school cafeteria food bittersweetly as another victim of COVID-19. While it is the same food that rescued many students from school day starvation, it probably had the same nutritional value as a bag of Cheetos.

*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*