Tired of being chased by geese? Now they will be confined to the football field, categorized as a new protected habitat for the geese roaming on our school grounds. Starting in May, the football field will undergo construction until September, when it will finally re-open for the thousands of geese living on school property.  

Brentwood’s Board of Education discussed multiple solutions to eliminate or reduce the geese population in their February meeting . From kidnapping eggs in spring to depriving the Geese of any source of food, the members decided to go for the most humane option: opening a protected habitat for them.

“These geese are part of our community now,” one of the members said, “we have to embrace them and accept them as part of our Brentwood identity.”  

The members also agreed that there’s room for everyone, concluding that any sports activities school’s sports taking place on the football field or its surroundings, such as the Track team and Football field, will have to coexist with the geese.  

Having geese on our school grounds will also prevent any geese poop or hazardous materials to disrupt students’ academic learning and activities.  

“It’s so ridiculous how much poop I see every morning before entering school,” one student said, “I can’t even wear my favorite shoes anymore, I just know they will be covered in green and brown by the end of the day.” 

Not having geese run around the school freely will help students concentrate. Students will no longer hear geese screams and other obnoxious noises in the middle of an important lesson or exam.  

“In the middle of my AP Government class, I was startled by the terrible screams of the geese,” one student said, “I was so scared that I almost fell off my chair.” 

Students have also had terrible experiences with these strange creatures. From being chased down for one’s snacks to stepping in poop, the student body agrees that the geese must be contained in order for peace and order to exist once again.  

This poses a unique opportunity for the track and football teams, who will have to share the school grounds with these famous geese and learn how to befriend these creatures. 

“To be honest, I’m really nervous,” a track team member said, “I’ve had my fair share of bad experiences with geese. I was once chased down by a group of geese. I ended up going to therapy after that.”  

Regardless of their thoughts on the geese, sooner or later, these athletes will have to adjust to this new lifestyle while they develop their athletic skills.  

“I think this will be a great new exercise,” the track coach said, “The addition of the geese into the football field will also help with the runners’ athleticism and concentration.” 

The reactions from the track and football teams have been surprisingly positive despite the trauma the geese have imposed on some of them. Many suggested using the geese as the new cheerleaders of the football field, or as motivation to improve their skills. 

“The geese could even help us during the games,” a football member said, “they could join the cheerleaders and use their screams to intimidate the opposing team. I think we will all get along with the geese.” 

This new initiative clearly seems to bring more positives than negatives. The student body will better appreciate the existence of the geese from afar.

“I feel so, so, happy hearing about this,” a student said. “I’m glad I don’t have to see these demon geese anymore. I wish the football and track teams the best of luck…”  

*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*