Four different diseases are plaguing the students at Brentwood High School, spreading through cyber media. Students have reported dry, red eyes and thumbs sticking like glue to their phones.

One of the strains on the rise is called TikTok Pox. Some symptoms to be on the lookout for are constantly scrolling through one’s For You Page, or copying phrases that have grown within the platform such as “side eye” and “that’s suspicious.”

“I don’t mind the sickness, I get to stay home, scrolling through my FYP until I forget all my problems. Of course, that changed when I found a TikTok with the song my ex wrote. Thanks a lot, SZA,” said Bill Pie, a senior.

Another strain spreading rapidly is Insta-17. This disease affects the image of oneself and a compulsive feeling to post your food or family pet.

Ghost Fever has also been spreading like wildfire. Ghost Fever leaves students with yellow thumbs and a constant need to snap their friends pictures but not text any of their friends back after sending them.

“I’m constantly tired and my thumbs have turned into a mustard green color its terrible,” said Snappy Chatisk, a junior.

Triangle disease has also been affecting the students. Students have reported tiredness as they have a consistent need to stay up until 1:00 a.m. watching various gaming lives. They also claim to have developed triangle sores on their arms and legs.

“I feel itchy all the time but I love the energy drink addition that comes with the disease,” said Mark Zipiti, a sophomore.

No one is certain what stops the diseases from entering our system, but we have accounts of multiple students’ recovery process. The TikTok Pox and Insta-17 go away with some time and sleep, but Ghost Fever and Triangle Disease takes longer recovery time mixed with some screen restrictions.

Many say these diseases and the rapid spreading could have been prevented by simply staying away from social media apps. Playing outside may prevent you from catching a cyber virus.

*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*