Are your kids stuck on their cellphones? Are they refusing to play on a playground that’s now collecting dirt and leaves? A new gaming system called the FunZone Console is coming soon to all playgrounds near you!
New York State recently approved The FunZone Console for all playgrounds and parks, so kids are never bored. It will allow children to play Fortnite, Roblox, and other popular video games while taking in the sun!
On its trial run, Governor Hochul tested the system at a Long Island Park that had been abandoned for years. By the seventh hour, the playground had been overrun by video game fanatics. It was so wildly popular that police officers had to be called to the scene to escort children off the premises.
Only five parks in New York State have currently implemented the FunZone Console. But due to high demand, Govenor Kathy Hochul has planned for all 200 state parks to have the FunZone Console by the end of 2025.
Although the system is wildly popular, there are many concerned adults that are not in favor of the gaming system. Many have complained that it will raise their taxes and that their kids will not want to spend as much time at home.
“This is a waste of time and a waste of money,” said Cindy Smith, a mother of 3. “My kids are content at home on their phones and so am I, knowing they are safe in their rooms and not outside doing who knows what.”
School administrators are worried that students will skip school to hang out at the local park and play on the console instead of learning. Teachers also foresee a dip in students’ focus and a lack of participation in clubs and after-school activities.
Cecilla Apple, a Brentwood High School teacher, says she’s concerned that the grades of many students will drop significantly once the FunZone starts to grab kids’ attention. She believes that students won’t stay after for extra help when they can walk to the playground for free video gaming.
The system may be put into public parks, but players will still need to pay $10 for 30 minutes of play time. Each park will have a kiosk where patrons can buy a rechargeable card to add digital tokens.
“I can’t wait to play! I haven’t been to the park in such a long time and now I finally have an excuse to go,” said Lily Trey, a 12-year-old girl from Brentwood.
So, the next time your kids ask for permission to go to the park, don’t be surprised when you learn it’s not to go down a slide or swing on a swingset, but to look at more screens. At least you can be happy they are getting some Vitamin D and not rotting in bed!
*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*
