Property owners, are you tired of having your property spray painted and vandalized? Starting April 1, anyone who wants to purchase spray paint will have to go through a lengthy process. Spray painters will be required to complete detailed background checks, show several forms of I.D., and receive permission to purchase a spray paint canister at any arts and crafts store.
“My buildings have been spray painted countless times,” said Tar Jey, a property owner. “Each time the painting gets worse. The least they could do is paint something that’s aesthetically pleasing.”
Have you ever passed by a building or a car that was vandalized? Graffiti has affected many business owners and even homeowners. Although we can sometimes agree that it looks cool, we have not always considered the cost to repair its damage.
“Personally, I enjoy seeing spray paint anywhere,” said a professional graffiti artist. “The only hate for spray paint comes from people that couldn’t paint a circle for their life.”
Who’s to say that spray painting is not fun? We all like to get creative in many ways and decorate things. Spray paint has been around since cavemen could think. It’s a form of expressive art.
To purchase spray point, there are several mandatory hoops to jump through. First, the buyer must be at least 21 years old. To prove this, he or she must show some sort of valid ID issued by the government. This includes A license, passport, and even a birth certificate.
To be approved, applications can take up to 4-6 weeks to process. Police and members of the FBI will use that time to investigate the buyer’s past employment and even school records. This research dives into any minor inconvenience a buyer has ever had.
A jury must grant final approval or denial. Remain mindful of the fact that waitlists for approval can take months, as judges are typically busy with more important matters. A good piece of advice is to have a clean record before even considering buying spray paint.
“I think people who vandalize anything should be punished,” said an art critic. “Send them far away. Somewhere they can’t ruin other people’s property.”
Think you’ll be able to get around these restrictions by purchasing spray paint online? Police have issued a statement saying anyone who violates this new rule could face fines, jail time and even getting kicked out of the country and taken to a specialized prison just for spray painters.
If you are a spray painter, you may want to begin looking for new hobbies. Maybe start scrapbooking. What is the difference, anyway?
*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*
