As volleyball season is ending for PE, Brentwood High School is instilling a new policy for sports teams. Due to the overwhelming popularity of the volleyball tournaments, Brentwood is making joining a sports team mandatory. By the end of the 3rd quarter, every student is expected to fill out a sports team application request.
The application has 75 questions and should take roughly half an hour to fill out. Once students have selected a sport to apply for, they will be put in a waiting queue to see if their application is selected by the coach of the team.
“This is going to be a lot of paperwork,” said Mike Bison, undefeated champion of the Brentwood High School boxing club. “I hope this doesn’t affect my match schedule.”
If not selected for their first-choice team, students will be forced to quickly apply for a different team until they find a team willing to accept them. If students fail to be selected, they will be assigned to a random team for a sport that is less popular.
Students should not try to resist these new mandates. If they do, they will receive a failing physical education grade. Actions considered as resisting include not showing up to practice, not showing up to games, avoiding turning in applications, sleeping in when there’s early morning practice, and leaving any events to use the restroom for longer than two minutes.
However, students are not the only ones who can be penalized. The coaches for the teams can be scolded for trying to keep players benched or not including players in any given game.
“These new rules art prepost’rous,” said Fable Garamonde, member of the Competitive Archery Team. “I can’t has’t mine own team wend off to battleth at which hour half of those folk cannot aim. Not to mention the potential lawsuits if ‘t be true that, by fate’s selection, one endeth up getting hurt on the battlefield. I sayeth we over throweth the system.”
In the case that students fail their sports team requirement, they will have to make it up by joining a team during the new Summer School Sports Program. Students who already have participated on a sports team will not be forced to join any new teams. Rather, they will receive extra credit for their dedication to the Brentwood School District.
“I’m very happy with the decision the school has come to,” said Violet Nunez, Number 1 ranked sports fan at the fangirl club. “One of my friends is on the bowling team, and I have loved watching her perform so well. I want to join the bowling team to see if I can give her competition.”
With all these students joining every kind of sport, reluctantly or not, the school is expected to either win many awards or lose all public reputation. The school is banking on the latter.
*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*
