After three years and four months of observation, the Brentwood High School administrative team has decided that the 2020-2021 remote year has made all the students “too anti-social.” To combat this, Brentwood High School will be adding a new course to every student’s schedule designed to prepare students for social activities. The course has been dubbed “Basic Human Decency.”
This course will be replacing any open spots in students’ schedules, prioritizing free periods like study hall, lunch, or early release. If a student does not have one of these at any point in the day, the school will simply get rid of one of their electives and make the course count for those credits.
“Do we get to choose what elective they take away, or do they choose at random?” said Erlend Mason, member of the Obscure Literature Club. “I’d love to get out of Intro to Brain Surgery, but I’d hate if they chose to get rid of my Advanced Quiet Reading class.”
The course takes place in one of three rooms, each in a different wing of the school, filled with nothing but a circle of chairs in the center. One room will be in the 1100 wing, another in the 2300 wing and the last in the 1800 wing. In those classrooms, the teacher will try to help students connect with one another, whether they like it or not, so they can learn how to interact person to person and hold normal conversations.
“It appears that after overexposure to the internet, the students have forgotten basic greetings,” said Nappa Vegetables, a child psychologist. “I believe there is only one logical step for the preservation of their generations: teach them everything all over again.”
The class will teach students common courtesies such as being polite and having respect for those around them. As the class continues, the students will learn more advanced decency like putting shopping carts in the cart return, turning off a cell phone during a movie, saying the pledge of allegiance, not taking forever when using a hall pass, and hardest of all, not moving through the hall at a slug’s pace.
The Final for the class includes an incredibly challenging mind-altering assignment. Info gathered by members of the Obscure Literature Club suggests that this challenge may feature more than one segment, with the first segment including a written portion and the second segment including a challenge called “A Full-Length Uninterrupted Conversation with a Classmate.”
“I’m excited about the new course, but the final sounds really scary,” said Ellanie Andonuts, a theatre kid who hides in the back of the stage for every play.
If there are any students who wish to continue this course after the introductory course, there is also Human Decency II. In this course, students will learn even more advanced skills such as eye contact and not interrupting someone when they are speaking.
*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*
