Satire: Contactless Competitions

Brentwood School District institutes new No Touch Policy in competition sports to keep Coronavirus at bay.

Sophia Seda, Co-Editor-in-Chief, Sports Editor

 High school sports teams all over Long Island have begun practicing and competing again, despite the risks of Coronavirus. However, each team has a new set of rules to keep everyone safe and healthy during the pandemic.

Senior swimmers dispose of caps and goggles, which are no longer permissible as “equipment” under the new no touch policy. (Sophia Seda)

Most have been easy to follow: no spectators at games, only 24 players permitted per team, and  of courseeveryone’s favorite,  always wear a mask. While these protocols have been working with varying levels of success, Brentwood wanted to take it a step further by instituting a no touch policy. 

Brentwood’s population looms over other towns so greatly, there had to be more precautions taken to prevent the spread,” said Nothinba Nets, director of Brentwood Sports. “COVID-19 can be spread through contact, but we can’t guarantee complete disinfection for everything student athletes use!”  

The no touch policy means no player is allowed to touch anyone or anything. No balls will be used, nor helmets, goggles, guards, or any kind of physical item necessary to the sport. With this policy enacted, Brentwood hopes that their Coronavirus cases will remain at bay 

“It should be easy to follow, as all children are taught to keep their hands to themselves at a very young age regardless,” said Ree Lay, professional pediatric sports advisor“These new rules will not only be helpful for health, but also a great refresher for students’ manners.” 

Despite the change, many student athletes are finding their sports easier to play. Without heavy armor in the way, the football team runs faster! Without goggles, the swim team is training to see through chlorine! And without a ball, the basketball team has yet to miss a shot! Brentwood sports are thriving thanks to the no touch policy. 

Many may be wondering what will happen to contact sports like Wrestling. Brentwood has poured its limited budget into dummies for the wrestlers to practice on. Of course, the students can’t touch the dummies, but they can think about what they would do to them. Knowledge is power.  

Despite these successes, some students are refusing the new policies.  

Twins and swim team members, Jennifer and Natali Salvador, reject swim equipment that could spread germs. (Sophia Seda)

How are we supposed to-” said Law Jick, varsity athlete. “You can’t be serious. I mean, c’mon guys…” 

We’re only doing amazing because we’re not doing anything!” said Rea Sonning, another varsity athlete. “We are literally faking-”  

 Brentwood understands that not all communities have adopted this policy yet.  In response, student athletes are told to show other communities “how it’s done.” They pay no mind to standard protocols and ignore the players who approach them with equipment. 

Okay look, you can’t make up your own rules now. It’s like you’re not even playing the game!” said Kommon Sense, a Bayshore soccer coach The Brentwood soccer team had no reply to this statement. 

“This has set us apart from all these other teams,” said Owta Hanned, seasoned athletic critic. We are revolutionizing the way to play sports!” 

The Brentwood Athletic Department can’t wait to celebrate the student athletes’ COVID-free wins. 

*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*