Satire: Virtual Students Thrive in Online Environments

Aaron Abdo, Staff Writer

Students at Brentwood High School cannot wait to roll over and grab their fancy devices to get an education every single morning!

For the 2020 – 2021 school year, the high school included fully remote instruction as one option for students to attend school this year. The school newspaper interviewed the cheery and bright-eyed remote students, who discuss how well they are doing during these unprecedented times.

Kat Aract is an enthusiastic freshman who finds her new routine very beneficial. Kat is currently remote for the rest of the school year but expresses that she is 100% content and doing very well.

Kat Aract’s school-issued ID card has not been used at all this year. (Aaron Abdo)

“Online school is incredible. It makes me feel super productive and energized because I am doing everything from the comfort of my own home! I can just wake up and roll over to grab my laptop, log into my class, and stare at the same screen for 8 hours.”

Kat also expressed her enjoyment for homework that can be completed digitally.

“And guess what! I get to spend an additional 5 hours more because the homework is sent to us on our devices! It doesn’t get any better than this. Going blind and having the worst headaches of my entire life is totally worth it because I don’t have to interact with humans face to face.”

Kat Aract spoke with a newspaper reporter through Microsoft Teams. (Aaron Abdo)

Kat is such a dedicated student that she would rather focus on her work than on friendships or other familial relationships, which only get in the way of her learning.

Anne Droid is a down-to-earth senior who has no issue interacting with others and making their day.  Anne Droid is described as communicative and open, and many can trust her for a good pep talk.

A rare photo of Anne Droid in her English class prior to the pandemic. (Aaron Abdo)

We asked Anne about how such an extroverted person overcame being alone for the remainder of the school year… unfortunately we did not receive any word back due to this student having no service or WIFI connection. It is still important to mention that we did, in fact, make an attempt to reach out.

Anne Droid, unfortunately, was not able to connect through Teams. (Aaron Abdo)

Junior year can be described as a high school student’s most difficult year… but June Eeor, an 11th grade student, was so overwhelmingly pleased with how online classes were going that he was just speechless when we had a video conference.

June Eeor practices on the football field prior to the pandemic. (Aaron Abdo)

He most likely had a lot to tell us, but it seemed like his actions spoke louder than his words…even though he said nothing. June Eor’s mother was kind enough to step in for him.

“June used to complain about how stressful Junior year was going to be but now he won’t say a peep! In fact, he hasn’t spoken since school started. I don’t like to bother him while he’s in class because I can see in his eyes that he is committed to his work.”

June’s mother claims she has never seen June exhibit such persistence and devotion to work.

“I also think it’s amazing that even on nights and weekends, he is STILL sitting in front of his laptop. I won’t lie, I do miss when he would come downstairs for a quick chat or to share a family meal, but I understand he’s under a lot of pressure to do well this year and I’m so proud of his dedication!”

June grunted, which seems to demonstrate that he agrees with her and not that he has lost the ability to say actual words.

Due to some technical difficulties, June Eeor may look more like a walking zombie than a real human. (Aaron Abdo)

*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*