Satire: Teachers Take Pride in Student’s Average Intelligence

Jessica Hsu

Legend has it that in the history of Brentwood High School, an individual with an intellect nowhere near Einstein’s once roamed these very halls. His completely normal appearance always accompanied the familiar ringing of the warning bell symbolizing the start of the first period. Immediately, sounds of footsteps furiously pound down the hallway and screech to a stop near the doorway. As expected, it is Mike Bottoms, the 17-year-old “average Joe,” or so the teachers fondly call him. Like usual, he has arrived just on time.

The 11th grade English teacher, April May, has revealed that Bottoms has an astounding attendance record. “Without fail, he is always here just on time for class to begin. Bottoms has always been consistently on the dot, even if he is huffing and puffing by the time he arrives.”

Turning around, Miss May smiles and addresses the class, “Good morning, everyone! All the essays on The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald are due today. We have been reading and discussing the issues in the book for over two months. I know all of you have poured very diligently over the text and are all very familiar with the book already. Let’s quickly bring the essays up front to the bin on my desk.”

Mike Bottoms, paper in hand, walks confidently to the bin. He has forgotten to use MLA format and has misspelled Daisy’s last name but, he for sure has his essay.

As the next period starts, Bottoms arrives at his chemistry class. Sitting down, he listens and gives his entire attention to the chemistry teacher, Bill Baldock. Looking straight ahead, he seems to be completely and utterly captivated by the current lesson on the board. His notes, as reflected in his notebook, are exactly as the teacher has given them.

While the class is working, Mr. Baldock comments, “I have heard so much about Bottoms’ completely regular scientific abilities. He actually understands the concepts deemed appropriate for his age range. I foresee needing to host an extra help session sometime this week on polar and covalent bonds. Bottoms though, surprisingly knows what he is doing. I am so proud to say that he is performing right on grade level!” This was obviously clear to see. From the way his eyes bore into the paper intensely, one could only assume that he was actually completing the activity sheet.

Later on in the day, Bottoms’ Algebra 2 teacher, Richard Solve, sits typing at his computer. Apparently, on the quiz the class took yesterday on factorization, Bottoms scored a 74, the median score in the class. “Last year, he actually managed to pass the Geometry regents. It is simply mind-blowing. Bottoms is an extremely capable young man. Just from looking at his most recent quiz score, I am sure that he will be ready for pre-calculus next year like everyone else,” declared Mr. Solve.

Other teachers have also expressed their liking to Bottoms. “It is such a pity that Mike does not take a music class. He would have given the whole chorus an additional voice no doubt,” the choir teacher, Bea Minor exclaimed.

With all the support and guidance from his teachers, it is certain that Mike will continue to pass all his classes. At the rate that he is going, he will be ready to graduate next year, at 18 years of age, as a senior. This is truly unremarkable news!