Satire: Spring Break or Resolutions Broke?

A commentary on the good habits we try (and fail) to maintain.

Sanjida Chowdhury

Spring is blooming and resolutions are wilting. The unattainable goals we annually set only increase our tendencies to drop them as soon as the next season rolls around. A week into your new quarantine lifestyle — forced to “spring clean” purely out of boredom — you will be sure to recognize your failed attempts at keeping those plans for the year. It’s not entirely your fault, though. From January to February – yeah, you were busy — but hey, after March, blame the Coronavirus for inhibiting your drive to the gym.

Flashback to New Year’s Eve, you proudly have your objectives “set in stone” and for the following week your motto becomes “New Year, New Me.” Around the globe, setting these high expectations seems to be the unspoken rule. It makes sense; all life-changing decisions are set to be accomplished on the one night where everyone is fueled on chips and dips during party gatherings. However, a reality check sets in after Groundhog day assuring you that maybe those goals were a little too strict. The weather gets warmer, and winter goals, along with those gym shoes you bought during the holiday sale, are thrown out the window. I mean, how consistent were you really in getting fit? Don’t worry, you’re lucky that it’s more impressive to simply brag about your resolutions than to follow through with them.

As the sunshine illuminates the beautiful spring outdoors, we students in quarantine know schools will not stop at anything to keep those assignments rolling in through online learning. Whether you’re an excited Freshman, a carefree Sophomore, an anxious Junior desperately waiting the year to end, or a proud Senior with one foot out the door, we know that as long as we are coddled by high school teachers, those goals will not be fulfilled anytime soon. We’ll get to them later when we’re forced to grow up in college.

For those seeking straight A’s, irresponsibility can really help to keep you on task. The perfect combination sought out by colleges is procrastination, unpreparedness, and a horrible sleep schedule. While juniors should sleep with their AP review books under their pillows instead of opening them, Seniors must succumb to the symptoms of senioritis. There isn’t a better way to achieve good grades. Lowering stress and getting more sleep are only attainable by constant distraction. Starting homework at midnight, cramming in study sessions, and pulling all-nighters are the only ways to relieve the pressures of school and keep you afloat. During this outbreak, however, stay strong in keeping the Netflix or Disney Plus apps open and suppress the feeling of wanting to open Microsoft Teams to see what your classes are actually up to.

Lastly, for those seeking to live a healthier state of being, applaud yourself for solely contemplating it. From gym trainers to nutrients, eating healthy and clean is the most difficult

but vital step. It’s also important to listen to your body and treat it with love. So, get ready to fill your shopping cart with the necessities: processed foods, snacks, and energy drinks for that boost of motivation. Reading food labels is also a great way to keep track of what is being consumed. Therefore, anything with “high fructose corn syrup,” “artificial flavors,” and “trans fat” is a must for the pantry. The time for quarantine calls for stocking up on your groceries so make sure to add this to your list. As for the physical fitness aspect, what better way to get in shape than being in lockdown. After a week into “working from home,” the distance you travel from your bed to the refrigerator to get your 10th snack of the day will sure leave your glutes and quads toned. Ten reps of these short distances incorporated with sprints up and down the stairs during dinner time will get you summer ready — that is, if quarantine ever ends.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only individual who hated 2019 and sought out hope for 2020. After all is said and “promised,” we accept defeat until next year’s ball drop. May the vicious but energizing cycle continue endlessly, forever keeping us on the precipice of change until we surrender to temporary satisfaction.