*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*

Is there any way to get around this busy city? It’s rush hour every 45 minutes at the Ross and Sonderling intersections. New traffic lights and stop signs will be installed in the busiest hallways of both buildings starting March 10, 2026.

At Brentwood High School, students experience overwhelming traffic on their way to class. Students are given five minutes to get to their next class, but it feels like forcing a five-lane system into a two-lane hallway, with a 0% success rate for merging.

Once the bell rings, it becomes rush hour, with students flooding the hallways trying to reach their next class. Some walk at 60 MPH; others move like they have a flat tire, causing chaos as students crash into each other.

“Students keep elbowing each other back and forth. I need to be watching at all times,” said Jeffery Standby, a security guard.

Brentwood High School serves 5,380 students across two buildings, Ross and Sonderling, which are connected by two long hallways. Students treat mini hallways like exits but do not use turning signals and often cut others off.

“I need a stop sign and a whistle to tell these kids when to cross,” said Joaquin Hall, a security guard.

Traffic lights and stop signs are being added because students move in different directions with no system to guide them. With proper signals, it will be easier to know when to move and when to stop, making the hallways more organized.

Green signals a safe turn into a new hallway; yellow means slow down; red means come to a complete stop. In smaller hallways, security guards will use stop signs to manage student crossings.

“These lights will make a huge change. I will finally be able to walk without bumping into five people at once,” said Johans Green, a sophomore.

If students do not make it to class within five minutes, they are marked late. Too many lates can lead to detention, which feels like getting a ticket—you must sit with the “judge” after school and pay the price.

“Detention is like being arrested for walking too slow,” said Lexis Rusher, a senior.

The new traffic light installation could malfunction, causing lights to shut down or stay on the same color, bringing hallways to a standstill. Administration says it will handle these situations on a case-by-case basis.