*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*

Is it even possible to be up before the sun is? Whether you’ve missed your bus every day since September or decided your morning Starbucks is more important, trying to make it to school before the day is over might seem impossible.

With final exams and Regents on the horizon, students will need to be more prepared than ever to arrive on time to take their tests. Here are some tips to stay well-rested and test-ready.

Obviously, preparation starts the night before. You’re going to go to bed around 2 a.m. so that you get adequate sleep for that big test! Make sure you turn off ALL your morning alarms so you can follow your strong internal clock.

After you’ve woken up super early, around 7:30 a.m.—way past when first period has started—you are going to take your sweet time getting ready in the morning. You’re already late at this point, and you also didn’t get any sleep, which isn’t your fault at all, because rewatching all your corny rom-coms was a way to combat test anxiety.

For ladies, make sure you curl your hair and do a full face of makeup, because everybody knows you need your lashes done to feel your best—and don’t forget your lash curler so you can continue to curl your lashes in the middle of reviewing your class notes. Obviously, if your lashes are done, you’ll be able to blink away all the wrong answers on that test.

Next, you’re going to try on a minimum of three different outfits. You NEED the perfect outfit to sit comfortably in a testing location.

And once you’ve found your perfect outfit, you’re going to beg everybody in your house to take you to school: Mom, Dad, your sister, brother, dog, cat, or your fish—anybody who might have even a remote idea of what a car is…or seems like they’d be a better driver than you are.

Once you’ve pestered everybody in your house at least 12 times, you’re going to ask for your morning Starbucks. Research that was not even remotely close to being conducted in a Starbucks (maybe at a Costco?) states that pausing for caffeine before a test is bound to get you at least a C-.

“It’s so hard to be punctual!” said Notton Time, a junior who was spotted at a local Starbucks.

When you order your double-shot espresso with four pumps of caramel and three pumps of vanilla, plus extra whipped cream, you’re going to realize you DON’T like that drink and have your barista remake it for you.

But of course, you’re going to need an additional sweet treat on the side, like the trendy bumblebee cake pop, because your attendance isn’t the only thing that stings, and those multiple-choice questions are going to need to be done on a full stomach.

After all that, it’ll be around 8:30 a.m., close to when second period ends, and once you’ve realized you’re right in the school parking lot, you’ll remember one thing: your backpack. You forgot it, as well as ALL your homework. You may have your different shades of lip gloss and your eyelash curler from earlier this morning, but not a notebook, pen, or even your whole bag.

Once you’ve returned to school, you’ll then argue with the attendance lady at the front desk, coming up with all different excuses for why you are late again and why you also don’t have your ID. It’s not like she knows best and has been working here longer than you’ve been alive.

Now that you’ve entered the building, you’re finally on your way to class for that test when you hear the bell ring. The wrong bell—the one signaling that class is over—and you’ve officially missed your test. No worries, though; you’ll just try again tomorrow…