*This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken literally.*

Have you ever found yourself caught in an endless loop of doomscrolling? You can let go of the excess screen time by taking an exciting new course. Brentwood High School has implemented a “touch grass” class where students literally touch grass!    

*Disclaimer: “Touch[ing] grass” is a Gen-Z slang term used to comically describe people who need to reconnect with the outdoors and get off of social media. 

“Is this course weighted? Because I’m not touching grass if it’s not weighted,” said Ava Percentile, a junior who is considering taking the course. 

Administrators have linked student doomscrolling to declining engagement and attendance. 

“I opened TikTok during homeroom and when I looked out the windows, it was pitch black outside and I missed 7 classes,” said Addison Scrolls, a sophomore. “I thought I was dying, but it was just my For-You page.” 

School psychologist Dr. Dana Studies has reportedly begun personally identifying students who might benefit from the class using what she calls “advanced observation techniques,” which mostly involves watching those who cannot go five seconds without looking at their cell phones. She clarified that while the class is technically optional, some students are forced to attend because they are “low on Vitamin D.” 

Research findings from Dr. Studies indicate that teenagers who interact with grass show a 41% improvement in “basic outdoor awareness,” including recognizing the sun and identifying at least one tree! 

“I didn’t even know grass had textures. I thought it was just background,” said Miranda Swipes, a junior. 

Dr. Studies noted that many students appear “confused by the absence of content,” often pausing as if waiting for something to react to or wishing they could be somewhere with a refresh button. 

“Wait, don’t move – this lighting is actually insane…” said Bella Aesthetic, a sophomore.  “This would EAT if I could photograph and post it.” 

The class is led by Mr. Live-a-little whose primary instruction is simply, “Lock into air.” He specifically states that all technology is collected before the period starts. 

“There’s always something new to look at or respond to,” said Logan Overthinker, a senior. 

While some students have questions about the activities they’re participating in, others seem to appreciate the content in the class. 

“I mean… it’s kind of nice not thinking about anything for once,” said Sienna Present, a senior. 

This new “Touch grass” course has received a tremendous amount of support from staff members and families. Administrators are hoping to create an extension course, “Advanced Grass Touching,” in 2027 that includes mowing the lawn and planting trees.